The past few weeks have been one of the most tumultuous phases of my life. According to the internet it is 1. the making of a loud confused noise or 2. excited, confused or disorderly, and if you could actually hear it you would agree with me that it is an apt word to use.
The most amazing thing about all these tedious, painful and tiring life experiences is that it trains me very well. It puts my mind, soul and heart on a treadmill and hopefully my stamina will pull through and my body would come out of it feeling refreshed and stronger. I feel a little bit of it already, like that strong conviction that carries you through and powers your entire being… kind of like adrenaline. 7 years ago, I had a warm fuzzy written to me saying that I have a zest for life and to feel it come through after all these years it’s pretty amazing. My prayers are being answered, the rocks I picked up from the ground are turning into bread.
Holding on to the rock
Rocks do kind of weigh you down. I picked some up during my pilgrimage once and prayed with it for random people. In retrospect, dedicating a rock to a person is such an amusing nonsensical thing to do, but it’s all starting to make sense now. As heavy as they were, God could turn them into bread and make them life giving instead. It’s a good thing I kept it in my pocket and never gave up.
That’s the cool thing about my community life. Being around. I wouldn’t even really say I was someone who was completely accountable to the rest but by virtue of my persistence to just wait and see, God made it all good. Sometimes things don’t make any sense. People are too busy, they disappoint or I just don’t want to be there but those negativities were sacrificed and I got by. It helped to have people to huddle with whenever I felt that negative so that was a great blessing. It made commitment less torturous.
Believing and ‘feeling out’ the rock
But it was more than just the neutralizing of negativity. When you are presented with a lot of things you don’t want in life, you kinda automatically come with a list of what you really want in life simply by that process of elimination. It’s that same knowingness of a decision when you to flip a coin. It’s how I’ve gotten by in this entire transition stage of life so far, going for interviews and working late nights, I have come to the decision that I can never work for money.
To put it in perspective, it’s like working for the economy or working for humanity. At some point of time in my life, God put that desire to help others somewhere in me and as much as the desire for comfort and a pretty house appeals to me, I don’t think I will be authentically happy because I would never be able to justify why I’m living that way. Ingrained is a spirit of servanthood and not feeling like I deserve much when others have to suffer. Anyway, the point is that I have found a goal in life and I’m super excited about reaching there. It’s a true joy to have a glimpse of God’s plan and that excitement really sets one on fire.
Waiting for the rock
Believing in a rock sounds like a pretty lame concept. But like all awesome things in life (and in how I met your mother) we must wait for it. And that is the time when faith and commitment really sets in. Faith is a really tricky concept I realize. How can you put your hope into something that may not be possible? All that effort, dedication, time and feelings possibly being wasted. But at the end of the day, life is just not so certain that way and in the world there must be this unfounded hope if not we’ll never move forward, so I’ll take my chances that bread will come. My gut says I’m right.
It’s ok if you don’t believe it. Cause I don’t really either but somehow being brutally honest about it to myself and others helped. The main point is the honesty, being weak is really a strength. And at this point I am super grateful for my community because they’ve really been there for me in one way or another. It’s really amazing to just see how many times I have repeated my life stories and the amount of support there is. The support magically anchors you down and builds you up at the same time. Like a sturdy earthquake proof building.
So I push through and figured that if I believe in it as much as I would believe a royal flush in my hand, I will go all in and hope for the best. Talking about poker, in that surrender of the money to the pot it’s rather liberating, no worries in life coupled with a tremendous amount of faith in the plan.
Fulfillment in lifegiving
It pays off. I can’t really convince you that it pays off until you really see the fruits of it yourself, no matter how many times I told you, you wouldn’t believe it. That’s why everyone must suffer a little first. 😛
It results in these odd spasms of joy. Split seconds when I am authentically happy and know that this is what I was meant to become, both in my vision of myself and in God’s. It keeps the fire burning and makes me want to go around giving people bread. It’s pretty cool no? Especially if I told you that it used to be a rock.
It’s all in God’s plan.
I always had trouble with our name but as Leaven of God, we strive to spread the kingdom of God, to turn those stones in to bread simply by the way we live our lives and give them to others.