In a dyslexic kind of way, proverbs 3:5-6 kinda links to the idea of trusting everyday (356.. 365… if you don’t see my odd point of view :X)
I just really wanted to affirm the session on trust today, it kinda shook me up and held me down at the same time… like a dancing tree. haha
Well, so as we were blindfolded and led to the sharing place, the uncertainty set in. I never liked to be blindfolded not so much that i want to know where I’m going but because I have this odd fear of crashing into walls or tripping. So since young, I also kept the bottom part of my blindfold loose so that i can look at the ground and keep my balance. I was a lot more stable that way.
But no, I felt like I was capable and with my current state, I could handle the uncertainty in walking. But there I was hesitating every step of the way and honestly it was silly but I was scared and at that moment I could feel how scary it was to trust in uncertainty. I could not feel that peace and assurance in god’s will.
And it’s always been a little bit like that for me. I don’t feel calm, in fact, im anxious, flustered and sometimes down right irritated but that’s exactly it. It’s like the eye of the storm, or like those times when we seek stability with the mrt door when it’s chaotic during peak hour. :S
And when we sat down I started to plan. A familiar sniff to my left, a cough in front of me, a restlessness on the far end. How many people were there? How do we know when to share? Nobody would start. Someone must be counting the number of people who shared…
And while I was wondering how all this would pan out and felt the need to have a plan to make session work out, elaine began sharing and that crushed my idea that nobody would start sharing. It surprised me and at the same time told me that my plans are from human thoughts and no matter how much of a elaborate plan I might have, his plans are greater. Deep down I think I knew that but it was nice to see God just wipe all that murk and chaos away to reveal his steady, unwavering plan that doesn’t fail.
Another slightly interesting thing was when I started to plan my sharing, what I should say, which part to emphasize.. and then I felt it. The more I planned, the more nervous and fearful I got. What if people didn’t understand my context? what if I shouldn’t be talking about this stuff now? and then I had to, I had to let it go because that was just going with God’s plan and I stopped planning. I spoke and shared and even though I left out a lot of points I wished I mentioned in retrospect I knew that I said all I needed to. And as Andrew shared I knew that yes, that’s all God wanted me to say. no 画蛇添足 business (aka, it was concise)
And so, cheers, to a session that really hit me at my achilles heel. I need a whole lot more trusting in God’s plan in my life, every single day.
I leave you with the verse I held ever since sec 4 when I did my first session for log on trust and praise God for staying faithful and blessing us with this gift to trust in him in some odd way (:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.