“What are you going to Awaken for?” ” You know you going to Awaken for the high la” were some comments I got while others were” Are you excited for Awaken?” & “It’s going to be a wonderful time with God”
Well, my mind had thought of all those questions, and the answers were there but so was the call that I am supposed to attend Awaken. I felt the Lord calling me to this Awaken the day I saw the poster and well I guess in retrospect I am truly glad I said my “Yes” to the Lord for Awaken.
I somehow felt like I will not receive much from Awaken or I honestly didn’t know. My life was corrupted; my soul was infected with the consequences of sin and of not loving myself. I didn’t know if God could do anything for me and I didn’t know anything basically and this was the uncertain 4 day journey with the Lord I was to take and well I just told the Lord “You take over & do whatever you want with me”.
My dad was giving me a lift to CSC and he was asking me the length of the commissioning mass and kind of implying that he isn’t going to be there. And in my own torn relationship I just said sure in my indifference and hurt with him which has built up the last 18 years of my life. The awkward or pretty silent car ride soon came to a close to the other extreme of cheerful screaming welcoming members of the Awaken service team. I felt awkward but surely welcomed and a little bit joyous too.
The 4 days began and the first 2 days were the most difficult for me emotionally rather than anything else. It was difficult not because I felt things but the mere fact that I couldn’t feel anything. Worship with Praise songs were either a motion or a chore to sing because my heart genuinely couldn’t praise God and during adorations I couldn’t concentrate or even get any revelations. I felt closed and soulless. Another difficulty was that there were not much SFX guys and I had no one to like share with (Liver was service team & Dan Soo was different bunk) and this made me feel weaker and like there was a greater barrier I had to overcome. However, the highlight of my first 2 days were His Grace’s talks, because I felt mind blown by them and I felt like some of my perceptions of God were still wrong and the rest were just new and amazing revelations of the nature of God. God’s message for the 2 days for me was “Be still and know the PRESENCE of the LORD” and so I was still in the presence of the Lord!
The third day began with me sitting in front of the Lord at 6:45 am telling him “Oops Lord, I don’t think Awaken is going to be what many experienced for me, looks like I am closed and maybe this is not the time for me but I still surrender all of me to you this day.” and the day continued. The morning session was an emotional one was many and the people around me were sobbing their heart out and I just knelt there and “I was telling the Lord I don’t feel anything Jesus, this is making me feel so retarded and sadistic!” and I just followed the motion but the moment the session ended Msgr Goh walked in with the Blessed Sacrament and my heart broke at that moment, I prostrated and sobbed like a baby and it felt like my whole being crumbled in the presence of the Lord. Well the first restoration stage had truly begun and it was truly a blessed time and the moment I was done with this stage I found myself with deep joy and peace flooding in me and I was like “Whoa Jesus you are liberating me, this is exciting:D” and well in his plans it all is best for me and so it carried on.
The 3 things I brought to Awaken was
- My broken relationship with my father – the immense anger and hate which was building up within me.
- The incident where I was abused – healing had begun but was not completed
- My own identity – Lack of confidence and my broken view of my identity
And so in the second restoration session, God decided to remove all the hurt, the pain, anger, disgust, and all other forms of negative emotions I had relating to my memories and he just truly broke all the vessels in me containing the emotions of hurt in my life. And after I was done, he used me for other’s restoration and I guess I learnt how to give of myself again from this stage of restoration. This stage was particularly funny too and I bet God was laughing at some parts of it 🙂
The remaining restoration stages were just amazing. In these stages there were occasions I was still and rested in the Lord and in his presence. In these stages he did the work which needed to be done in my life. As I rested he washed away all the pain and anger, granted me grace to let go of the things I was holding which hurt me and other. He transformed me in his own way and moulded me to be his son once again. I kept on hearing “Love yourself my Son!!” like multiple times and it was like he spoke me into motion of loving myself again. He blessed me with many various visions and filled with overflowing joy. I have to say that resting in the Lord cannot be measured in our time I think, because I thought it was quite short bet when I woke up I realized otherwise but the Lord was truly faithful and HE ENTERED MY LIFE 😀 The joy was just unexplainable after this. And he did bless me other moments of resting in him and just basking in his love and these restoration stages gave me tangible God encounters I will hold close in my life.
I didn’t want to post immediately because I didn’t want it to be from a high but from the depths of my heart which is filled with God’s love and I am sure of it now. Post Awaken has been good but difficult. God tasked me to “Go home and hug your father” And so I came home and hugged him for Father’s Day and although it was awkward it was a need. I am learning to love my father once again, it’s not easy but I am trying. Oh he came for the commissioning mass and I guess it did benefit him and even though he complained a bit I know that he did also come out of love and I thank the Lord for opening my eyes to this. My father is a broken man and SO AM I and if God has loved me till this extent, I should love my father too. Sin still exist but Jesus reigns over everything and I am willing to run into his arms every time I fall because he says in the text below
I will instruct you and show you the way you should walk,
Give you counsel with my eye upon you.
Do not be like a horse or mule, without understanding;
With bit and bridle their temper is curbed,
Else they will not come to you.
Many are the sorrows of the wicked one,
But mercy surrounds the one who trusts in the LORD.
Be glad in the LORD and rejoice, you righteous;
Exult, all you upright of heart.
Well, I think I have written quite a bit and I just want to say that this is a chapter of my story of God’s love in my life and he has many chapters in my life. For those of you who have attended AWAKEN or CER remember this love of God today, for those who have not it will be a wonderful opportunity so go for it. In everything we do we Praise the Lord 😀