Uselessness

Today I felt rather useless.

Von shared something at sharing at really stuck with me. She was saying how people with handicaps were in the world’s eyes useless. But because they cannot be used, all we can do is love them (The opposite of loving being using). That’s some Theology of the Body thrown in there for you. Anyway in feeling rather useless, I felt the love and more importantly, the call to love.

This week really linked to the gospel about the healing and cleansing of lepers (Luke 17: 11-19). In terms of identifying myself as a leper, showing yourself to a priest (i.e. confession) and returning to God to say thanks.

Identifying myself as a leper

  • Social problems beyond my control,
  • inexperience in being Intercessory IC for the camp (Noobness bothers me),
  • too tired to be productive in my work overflow,
  • exaggerated botheredness from social situations
  • and the same old issues in stepping up at home.

There seem to be bigger fires than the one at Singtel, similar in that they attract attention, cause discomfort and mess up communication but a whole lot more personal.

I told Greg that I am happy having fires in my life just to keep me warm and alive but there is some point of time when fire just get a bit too hot. Have you ever just faced a bon fire? Your cheeks feel the heat, then not so much afterward. When you touch your face with your fingers, you realize that you don’t feel so much anymore, it’s nice (in a crispy roasted marshmallow sense) but scary at the same time because of the lack of feeling. But pulling away from the heat and into the cool, a calmness radiates from the parts of you that are the most vulnerable. I like bon fires during mid autumn for this reason, maybe I’ll do one next year.

“Jesus, Master, have pity on us!” 

Showing yourself to a priest

I’ve been thinking about confession a little, it isn’t something I was grappling with but a fleeting thought once in a while. Sometimes I feel like I don’t go often enough/ don’t realize the sins. When Fr Gerard was retelling the gospel in a more story-like way, I could put myself into the shoes of the leper better. The doubt, the leap of faith cue oh-wth-no-harm-trying *throws hands in the air (and wave them like you just don’t care)*

“Seriously? I walk all the way here and then you ask me to just bathe in the river? on top of that… 7 times?”

The other thing is conveniently giving the excuse that Priest aren’t always around, and he was just talking about waiting in the confessional for people to come back and somehow that was just nice and affirming to hear from the priest. After a while they do seem like they are just too busy somehow.

Returning to God to say thanks

So that was it, I couldn’t really take it, I couldn’t bring myself to receive the eucharist even and strangely that felt okay. and then they sang a song during communion

“You are beautiful beyond description

Too marvelous for words

Too wonderful of comprehension

Like nothing ever seen or heard

Who can grasp you infinite wisdom

Who can fathom the depth of your love

You are beautiful beyond description

Majesty enthroned above

And I stand, I stand in awe of you

I stand, I stand in awe of you

Holy God to whom all praise is due

I stand in awe of you

I was wondering why I knew it by heart but nah- it was the kind of moment the song lifts your heart to God with trembling hands. We sang it 4 times over.

So that was the homecoming song, I felt like a leper looking at God realizing how great he is.

Thanks be to God.

The world was all right again.

 

-jes

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