Still Awake! pt 2

(Since this is part 2, I’ll try to keep it shorter! But it’s possible that my version of short is too long for you. D:

 

Healing

Praying-over was rather awakening and I hope I’ll never forget how tangible God was. 

You know, it can be truly torturous to “think too much” and sometimes, I really wish I don’t “think so much”. But I can’t help it. My ‘prideeee’ that Archie pointed out wasn’t exactly making me feel good and mighty. Instead, whenever a doubt plagued my mind, I’d feel helpless. My thoughts left me estranged from Catholics all around me who seemed like they have great, simple faith.

Because my faith has made me who I am, losing my faith meant losing myself.

I spent timeless moments in grand old Churches in Europe. I’d kneel on creaky wooden kneelers and stare (glare) up at Jesus on a heavy mahogany Crucifix, asking him to help me because I didn’t know why I felt sad, or mad, or bad.  “I don’t know what to feel anymore, so please, you have to help me?!”

 

In the presence of the Blessed Sacrament during the Healing session, I did that again but this time, I with the reminder to pray for a spirit of humility and surrender. As I asked Jesus to help me surrender, I was struck by unprecedented fear. This fear made me tremble, and the trembling made me more fearful because I don’t usually feel afraid before the Blessed Sacrament!! I think I was worried that Jesus would be so powerful that Archie could command some evil spirit to leave my hardened soul. D: The worst possible thing was that Archie would skim over me + my stubborn heart and I’d be left unhealed and untouched by God… gulps.

I began my own drama of crying desperately to God: I don’t want to go through this mental and emotional and spiritual confusion and torture anymore… help me… (repeat over and over again)

 

*Blessed Sacrament glints in golden and glory before my eyes*

 “…Jesus feels your pain…”

 Wheeee…(that’s what it felt like to fall back)

 

So, that’s all I heard when Archie prayed over me and I guess that was all I needed to hear. Jesus knew how I was feeling! If He knew that, then He’d definitely heal me, hehe. He had to –  He is Love. I never fell backwards so swiftly before. I have also never felt so desirous of resting in the Spirit before. Of course I couldn’t get up as soon as I wanted (I was one of the last few to be prayed over). My limbs felt far too heavy.  I didn’t want to peel myself off the floor anyway, I felt very comfortable and restful. Also, it was nice to know Jesus knew my pain. 🙂 

 

Outpouring 

I think I could already pray in tongues. I mean, I know I can but it’s been so long that I’m uncertain I am about the gibberish I speak. So I decided to ask God to remind me about my gift of tongues (if I had it) and tell me if He wanted me to use it for Him and for His plan in my life.

As I joined in the songs of worship, I found it effortless to harmonise! I was pleasantly surprised and I knew it wasn’t me but the Spirit. (I usually find it hard to find the right harmonising note :X )

When Archie came with Jesus and started with, “Roll your tongue”, I fell again, almost instantly.

I remember wishing I didn’t fall so easily because I really wanted to hear more of what Archie had to say… Eventually, I tried to pray in tongues while lying on the floor. God hadn’t yet told me He wanted me to use my gift for His glory!

So I did. Even after I stood up and saw/heard everyone else touched by the Spirit, I continued my tongues. I had no desire to sing the words of the songs – the language of the Spirit felt very natural and easy. I teared in awe when I saw awesome manifestations of the Spirit and continued my tongues. It was an awesome half an hour before everything ended and I stopped. I was thirsty and tired but pretty affirmed that I could pray in tongues. 

 

I’m touched that loggers came for my commissioning mass. I thought of going up to testify about stuff, but the young 16-year-old kids looked so very excited that I felt they probably had more amazing stories. I was very happy though, very free. I still am! (even though school has started early) Oliver’s mummy took a picture of me because she wanted me to remember my joyful beam and glow.

 

I was generally cheery before going to Awaken – joining Log, going for mass, and getting back with my faith has left me more secure because I recovered my identity. Awaken broke off the remaining chains and set me free. I’m back, the real me is back.

 

Okay okay, the end! Love, Hilda.

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