I don’t think I did it alone

Dear God

*yawn*

I promise not to fall asleep this time. I’m sorry I always do. Though it is kinda difficult to stay awake when you don’t really seem to say much. I find it quite funny actually that you don’t really speak to me and insist on speaking through me.

Recently, anyway, I feel like I’ve been challenged in ways that have been.. slightly scary, to be honest. A couple of weeks back, a friend of mine posed a slew of questions about you and how I know you’re there, and amidst frantic attempts to make logical responses, I somehow wondered, in the back of my mind “How do I know you’re there?”

I know I keep saying this but it really is difficult living a Catholic life in a culture moving fiercely towards secularism. People can be so disrespectful and sometimes I can’t even find words to say in my (or your) defence. Sometimes, (I’m sorry but) I honestly can’t even really be bothered with such people.

This past weekend I was asked why Mother Mary is given such significance in our faith and why the saints are.. well, the saints, and if Catholicism was really part of Christianity (apparently, this can’t be taken for granted). I couldn’t decide if I was being attacked or if I was just being faced with genuine ignorance. Nonetheless, I felt slightly happy inside that my cat class knowledge was en pointe.

In an attempt to keep myself grounded, I recently started reading a book that Soo recommended, called Whats the Point of Being Christian?. I’m slightly ashamed to admit that I haven’t made too much of a dent in it, but I’m trying. Faced with all these spiritual conundrums, I’ve been feeling like I often feel when challenged – like I have something to prove. But something tells me I’ve been missing the point.

Just yesterday, a Catholic friend, who isn’t really practising, and who I’ve brought to church before, texted me saying that her grandma had “guilt-tripped” her into going for mass. I hadn’t really followed up with her before, and perhaps she didn’t have the best reason for wanting to come along, but seeking is still seeking and I was excited that she had asked. And that’s exactly the point, I guess – I may not feel you there all the time, but I’m searching; I may not know all the right answers or be the most convincing debater, but if I keep looking and I keep praying, you will reveal yourself both to me and to those I pray for.

This past weekend, I went to one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to. I managed to go to church. I managed to hold my ground on matters of faith. And I found strength to keep to my Lenten resolution.

I don’t think I did it alone.

❤ Alex

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