Beyond the Honey

Dear God,

Days are a little comfortable at the moment. I try to talk to people in crowded situations, I attempt to put the needs of others before myself and I even rejoice at wakes because I know You live. What then is this restlessness? What then is this buzzing sound in the background that bothers me when I tune to its frequency? I must find out what it is.

How does it feel like sitting at the back of my head though? I hope you don’t get bored. I hope my thoughts don’t crowd you out. I’m still very amazed at how you seem to disappear from my mind every time it’s the breaking of bread at Mass. Is it because you are reminding me that you are truly in that small wafer?

Hi.

Some days I wish for those moments I don’t have to say anything to you. That amazingly overwhelming feeling of just sitting with my soul in silence, just existing in your presence. It has been a while hasn’t it? I don’t want to think about it too much in case it becomes a little self indulgent. To freely receive seems to be harder than to freely give.

I don’t feel as emotionally attached to you anymore. We are out of our honeymoon period now aren’t we? Well, I’m glad that I have a commitment to you, a little like how marriage is to a relationship. I doubt I can really ever divorce you from my life. And I’m even more glad that this relationship started before any and is still going strong.

So God, thanks. Thanks for hanging around. And I hope you hang around more. It gets a bit dull around here when it feels like you don’t.

Stay mysterious.

With all I am,
Jes

Offertory

Dear God,

Why can’t I give you my 1%?

I always told you, that I’ll start contributing to the collection when I started working. Surely not 2 dollars right. 10? 10 a week? That’s 40 dollars a month. GOSH THIS FEELS SO PAINFUL. But still I did take out that 10 dollars and chucked it in that green bag. Score some points? Maybe?

But still over the rest of Holy Week as they came around for collection. Did you know how bad and guilty I still felt? Maybe I should have dropped in 2 dollars at each moment (still’d be cheaper in the long run).

How much of my life am I giving you now God. I did ask you to call me and lead me and so I’d go. Sometimes I’d think it be better if you mark what I need to give up with like blood or smth. But then again, maybe I am not ready.

But today God, I ask this one thing, that you help me see all that you have given me. All 100% of it. All that you’ve given freely to me. Yeh, I think that’s a good place to start today.

Amen

Swee

A Day in the Life of Sarah

Dear God,

(: I had Phonics lesson with the children today. They learnt the letter M and tried forming sentences with one M words all by themselves like “My mummy make a muffin.”,  “I have a mummy who loves me very much.”, “The mountain is too hard to climb.”, “The moon is so bright.” Yayy! They are improving! 😀 Then we went to the playground. I tried to play with them but I got tired faster than them.

): In the afternoon, I overheard a conversation about getting new teachers in. But now, I am getting used to the children and they are starting to like me too. But I haven’t told the school yet. I’m scared to make the decision. I don’t like to make decisions. I don’t like to talk to you also.

 Sarah

Feeling Crappy

Dear God,

I’m currently feeling quite crappy. I guess feeling crappy during Maundy Thursday is a right emotion to feel – so I can ‘connect with You more’.

But deep down inside, I know – you know – we know why I’m feeling crappy. And we both know that I put you as part of the reason as well. Lord, I’m not upset with you; on the contrary – I feel blessed. But the things I’ve heard from you, some of them are very hard to walk away from, even though I want to. But I know what I’ve seen and heard, thus I walk your road – in anguish and pain, and I become purified like Gold in a furnace. There are pockets of peace, joy and comfort, but if I were to be really honest, feeling crappy is the norm.

Lord you know I want to feel normal and just okay. And today you let me wake up fine. I guess I have learnt to appreciate how being ‘okay’ is a joy in itself. I say this because I woke up and said a prayer of thanksgiving to you for making feel ‘okay’. But yet, sometimes, when I feel okay, I yearn to feel crappy – that I know my job is not done, so why should I feel okay?

Lord, perhaps you don’t want me to feel just okay. Although sometimes in anguish, I say to you O Lord, let me just walk away, I don’t want this! But you say no. I know I have the choice to walk away, but I know that’s not what you want for me. Through this journey, I’ve realised something though – I rather feel crappy and close to You, than to feel ‘okay’. Because feeling ‘okay’, especially for prolonged periods, would inevitably (I know this myself) grow distant to you. I guess this is my challenge then.

Hmm… I guess, today Lord, You in the Garden of Gethsemane, feeling ‘okay’ wasn’t part of your plan. Tonight You feel crappy as well, because you know what must happen before the resurrection. So Lord, as I journey with you tonight, in my own Gethsemane, let me remember what you have revealed, and let me believe in it again, so that amidst my crappiness, I may have strength to die courageously, so that I may rise again. Amen! Good night God!