Feeling Crappy

Dear God,

I’m currently feeling quite crappy. I guess feeling crappy during Maundy Thursday is a right emotion to feel – so I can ‘connect with You more’.

But deep down inside, I know – you know – we know why I’m feeling crappy. And we both know that I put you as part of the reason as well. Lord, I’m not upset with you; on the contrary – I feel blessed. But the things I’ve heard from you, some of them are very hard to walk away from, even though I want to. But I know what I’ve seen and heard, thus I walk your road – in anguish and pain, and I become purified like Gold in a furnace. There are pockets of peace, joy and comfort, but if I were to be really honest, feeling crappy is the norm.

Lord you know I want to feel normal and just okay. And today you let me wake up fine. I guess I have learnt to appreciate how being ‘okay’ is a joy in itself. I say this because I woke up and said a prayer of thanksgiving to you for making feel ‘okay’. But yet, sometimes, when I feel okay, I yearn to feel crappy – that I know my job is not done, so why should I feel okay?

Lord, perhaps you don’t want me to feel just okay. Although sometimes in anguish, I say to you O Lord, let me just walk away, I don’t want this! But you say no. I know I have the choice to walk away, but I know that’s not what you want for me. Through this journey, I’ve realised something though – I rather feel crappy and close to You, than to feel ‘okay’. Because feeling ‘okay’, especially for prolonged periods, would inevitably (I know this myself) grow distant to you. I guess this is my challenge then.

Hmm… I guess, today Lord, You in the Garden of Gethsemane, feeling ‘okay’ wasn’t part of your plan. Tonight You feel crappy as well, because you know what must happen before the resurrection. So Lord, as I journey with you tonight, in my own Gethsemane, let me remember what you have revealed, and let me believe in it again, so that amidst my crappiness, I may have strength to die courageously, so that I may rise again. Amen! Good night God!

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