A Prayer

Dear God,

Thank you for all the blessings and guidance you have given me. As I approach the next phrase of my life, I pray for more guidance with the coming decisions that I will have to make and that you would use it for your Glory.



I Don’t Know

Dear God,

Today is my second day in Taiwan. But you already know that. Today I went up to the top of Taipei 101. But of course, you already know that. Today I bumbled along the narrow streets of Taipei on a bicycle, which I’m not at all confident in riding. But you already know that too. Today I got frustrated at how my friends were all sailing off into the distance while I struggled to keep my balance behind. And… Yeah you know what I’m going to type next.

Yes, today’s been quite an exciting day to write about, were this an ordinary blog. But this isn’t an ordinary blog. (we both know that). Today I saw the world as how You must see it: from high above, people going about their daily lives faaaar below me, each one inconsequential and indistinguishable from the next. Yet I know that’s not how you see us.

Know know know know know. For a word that’s supposed to bear so much certainty, it sure doesn’t seem so certain to me. I know that you’ve been there today, somewhere, somehow. I know that every grace I have comes from you. I know that you care and you love me. Or, well, I think I know. But for all this knowing, I sure don’t feel it. I’m as distant to you as I was to all those tiny people below me when I was 89 floors up.

I knew as I went into today that I was going to write a blog post. I also was pretty sure that there wouldn’t be much to link to you about. But I guess, that sums up my more recent faith life. Things happen, life goes on, interesting or not, but somehow I don’t know where you are anymore.

Yet still, I cling to some tiny string; I still wonder where you are; I still write my blogposts. So there’s some hope there.

But you already knew that, didn’t you? I wish I did.


“You do not know what you are asking.”

Dear God,

Hmm, this is ridiculous.

I have racked my brains but to no avail. I can’t really think of anything to say to you. Well, this might mean that we are such great buddies that you already know all that I have to share. I suspect, though, that we are quite estranged.

This morning, as I lumbered along to the MRT with little joy and lots of dread, I spotted a fellow community member! Usually, I would bounce up enthusiastically, full of thanksgiving for the community members you send my way. But today, I could not muster any cheerfulness to approach that logger. Whoops, missed out on your goodness and love there. I’ll try harder next time.

During lunch, I went for mass because I wanted to improve my disposition before writing this blogpost. But I got all caught up in your cryptic message. Jesus, you were characteristically blatant when you told James and John, “You do not know what you are asking.”

Clearly, where important life choices are concerned, desire is not sufficient. Prudence, self-knowledge and humility are as important huh. James and John had the desire to be close to you, but they had not the knowledge or ability to cope with the implications of being close to you. Similarly, I have the desire to do good in my life (as a lawyer, since you led me to law school). Yet, perhaps I lack the knowledge or ability to cope with the implications of being a lawyer. That would explain why I have been languishing through law school and work.

God, you didn’t warn me 5 years ago, “You do not know what you are asking.” Instead, you sent people to encourage me to read law; you set in my heart the desire to do good; you allowed me to believe in myself and in you. Now, why don’t you help me maintain that belief and confidence in myself and in you?

Anyway… dinner was wonderful. A nice quiet meal at home with family made a peaceful end to the day. Thank you, God. I even had time to read my storybook whilst returning home from a send-off at the airport. Thank you very much!

God, you should know that I’ve been feeling sorely unproductive and unfulfilled. Looking back at the past 12 months saddens me, for I realise how stagnant my soul has become. I don’t have much hope in you or in myself these days. People have more hope in me than I have in myself! Well of course I still cling to faith. I have faith that you have a Plan. I have faith that some day, I will discover your Plan. I just don’t really have great hopes in the goodness of your Plan.

With these thoughts, I’ll say, Good night God! Good night the world! Tomorrow will be a better day.