“You do not know what you are asking.”

Dear God,

Hmm, this is ridiculous.

I have racked my brains but to no avail. I can’t really think of anything to say to you. Well, this might mean that we are such great buddies that you already know all that I have to share. I suspect, though, that we are quite estranged.

This morning, as I lumbered along to the MRT with little joy and lots of dread, I spotted a fellow community member! Usually, I would bounce up enthusiastically, full of thanksgiving for the community members you send my way. But today, I could not muster any cheerfulness to approach that logger. Whoops, missed out on your goodness and love there. I’ll try harder next time.

During lunch, I went for mass because I wanted to improve my disposition before writing this blogpost. But I got all caught up in your cryptic message. Jesus, you were characteristically blatant when you told James and John, “You do not know what you are asking.”

Clearly, where important life choices are concerned, desire is not sufficient. Prudence, self-knowledge and humility are as important huh. James and John had the desire to be close to you, but they had not the knowledge or ability to cope with the implications of being close to you. Similarly, I have the desire to do good in my life (as a lawyer, since you led me to law school). Yet, perhaps I lack the knowledge or ability to cope with the implications of being a lawyer. That would explain why I have been languishing through law school and work.

God, you didn’t warn me 5 years ago, “You do not know what you are asking.” Instead, you sent people to encourage me to read law; you set in my heart the desire to do good; you allowed me to believe in myself and in you. Now, why don’t you help me maintain that belief and confidence in myself and in you?

Anyway… dinner was wonderful. A nice quiet meal at home with family made a peaceful end to the day. Thank you, God. I even had time to read my storybook whilst returning home from a send-off at the airport. Thank you very much!

God, you should know that I’ve been feeling sorely unproductive and unfulfilled. Looking back at the past 12 months saddens me, for I realise how stagnant my soul has become. I don’t have much hope in you or in myself these days. People have more hope in me than I have in myself! Well of course I still cling to faith. I have faith that you have a Plan. I have faith that some day, I will discover your Plan. I just don’t really have great hopes in the goodness of your Plan.

With these thoughts, I’ll say, Good night God! Good night the world! Tomorrow will be a better day.

Hilda

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